From my first childhood shock to my very worst last. I’ve been taking long journeys for years through my past. Every trauma I’ve had from way back to near. I’ve confronted my numbness frozen in fear. From my first birthday party when I became three. Till my mother’s last breath was witnessed by me.

What happens first when you have a great loss? There’s a shock felt within from whatever the cause. Then numbness comes in when you can’t fight or flee. When you’re helpless and shocked as a child, some will freeze. So to process numbed fear I literally shake. I sit in a chair and let my legs quake. What sometimes comes next is spontaneous yawning. Sometimes I feel cold, my teeth chatter in thawing. Until the whole process gradually fades. Til I no longer feel fearful, and, my coldness abates.

Then when I’m ready I connect my old traumas. Reliving each scene to grieve painful dramas. I say what I wish I had said when I froze. Soothing myself until feelings flow. Every time that I do this a layer releases. I feel lighter inside the more that I feel this. Because as my unconscious purges more grief, I have more forgiveness and conscious relief.