Fate of the Stoic

Starving sick children suffer and die.

Why don’t we Feel this? Why do we deny?

This unconscious fate on some level we suffer.

But some have created facade as a buffer.

Some stopped feeling pain and learned to be stoic?

To grin and bear pain in their minds was heroic.

So many through time learned suffering’s silence,

No matter the harm or hurtful the violence.

So with self denial we must deny others.

We turn a blind eye to our sister’s and brother’s.

Maybe the stoics are holding us back

Our world cannot change if we don’t feel our lack.

We have to be real not accept status quo.

Express our unconscious WILL till we go

Create a new world where no one is left

No starving sick children or parents bereft.

When fully awake we cannot accept

That things cannot change because nothing is kept

Unconsciously hidden and dormant within

When both thoughts and feelings are One we’ll begin

To change EVERYTHING for now ALL can create.

For there’s nothing UNCONSCIOUS creating our FATE!

Guru Delusion

Unsplash photo

Has anyone yet resolved their duality

Dealt with their unconscious that makes fate reality?

Do the gurus that focus on mind meditation

Create with their light our conscious sedation?

And make our collective unconscious grow more

Does their focus on light hide the dark they ignore?

Do they really believe that their light overcomes

Our collective unconscious so heavy it numbs?

No gurus aren’t going to ascend in their sky

And leave behind darkness that they now deny

We’re in this together through thick and through thin

Stop making this harder to even begin

Please deal with your unconscious darkness inside

For empaths are drowning in what you’ve denied

Let all of your unconscious feelings be known

Let them intervene with your thoughts till you own

And bring them together till they become ONE

Then polarization will finally be DONE!

True Love

There is no TRUE LOVE in a world of polarity

Just attachment and fear of it’s loss in disparity

In polarity opposites forge our attraction

We don’t know we’re longing for chemical reaction

But a chemical bond between people can break

No matter your longing or promise you make

Our bond with our spouse, a loved one or friend

Can one day dissolve and come to an end

So is there a way to find True Love that stays?

That never will end at the end of all days?

Ah yes there’s an answer an unconscious key

Beyond space and time there is gravity

She keeps all in place with true love she holds us

In her embrace her true love enfolds us

Gravity has no opposing attraction

No chemical bonds forced into reaction

Just UNCONDITIONAL LOVE holding fast

That can never be lost and forever will last

When polarity resolves and attachment desolves

All still holds fast around TRUE LOVE revolves

 

 

“Sins of the Father”

 

I was born treading water in an ocean of shame

Where did this shame start is my family to blame?

Did it start with a trickle and end in this flood

Do the “sins of the father” end up in our blood?

In centuries past we strove just to live

There was rarely time or attention to give

Just parents consumed putting food on the table

Providing a life that was solid and stable

No time for feelings you had to be strong

You had to be quiet and good to belong

So all Our “bad” feelings would go underground

Into our unconscious is where they are bound

But now we’ve evolved and have time and attention

Now we must deal with what we couldn’t mention

And clean out our feelings of hurt, rage, and dread

That caused this deep ocean of shame we now tread

If we all work together and let this shame flow

We will find that this ocean of shame we’ve let go

Will put out the fires of droughts also made

By what was thought sin and what price must be paid

Droughts of our rage or our drowning in shame

Are a polarized split of our fear, they’re the same

Their “Sin” was just fear that we would not survive

Through our forgiveness of “Sin” we will thrive!! 

Nurse

From birth I was quiet, reluctant, and shy

It was normal for me to lay low and comply

I was the good girl who would never express

The feelings that children should show in distress

So I grew up reserved with most feelings within

Soon with my reservoirs full I’d begin

My life as an empath feeling pains of another

I was so full just to be around others

Triggered reactions as my pain recognized

The pain of another that I empathized

So I learned to help others in all situations

To make things alright on most all occasions

This cast me in roles of benevolent nurse

This role was a blessing but also a curse

As a nurse I’d attract someone needing care

I felt I had purpose and felt good being there

If I fixed their world then mine was fixed too

I continued this cycle until a bomb blew

And crushed my denial my patient was dying

I was killing myself and still kept on trying

To heal my sick patient by fixing their life

So they never learned to self heal from their strife

But as codependence was healed we would learn

To purge our OWN pain that caused us to yearn

For nurses to fix them to meet unmet need

Or to fix patient’s pain so my heart does not bleed

When Nurses reveal their own pain and self heal

Patient’s wake up from sedation and feel

So they can self heal then as equals we’ll share

Loving support for each other be there!

 

 

Parental Respect

Respect is not a parental right; it can’t be coerced or forced from a child. Forced words and behaviors against their volition causes a split in their self a division. So when you’re not looking and your child gets away they create secret worlds where they don’t have to play the role of “good children” who keep truth inside. You’ve taught them to lie and forced them to hide.

Authoritarian force can take a harsh toll behind the facade of parental control is a child that is hiding with anger and shame with volatile feelings that one day they can’t tame. But this loss of control could break through the facade, and prove to these parents the lie of their rod and “respect” that they forced was just fear of aggression that has now left their child with self hate and depression.

These parents thought forcing “respect” was the way, but this forced their kids to resist and betray what they thought they had taught, which cannot be taught. They thought their child bought, what cannot be bought. Respect can’t be taught or forced it is EARNED! When your child feels your LOVE & RESPECT it’s RETURNED!

 

 

 

Family Legacy

I wouldn’t have had you if I had an awareness

That I was unconsciously selfish and careless

Believing My children would always do well.

In blindness I birthed you in unconscious Hell.

If I’d known that my family genetics would matter

So much that no matter how hard I tried better

You both would still have to deal with our past

I would have made sure that I would be last.

I thought love and nurture could meet all your needs

That nature can change when true love intercedes

That you were blank slates in a new generation

Depression and fear can’t be passed through relation.

But now that your grown I’m able to see

That problems you face come from more than just me

From Grands and Great Grands both mother and father.

So were we just doomed with no reason to bother?

No we have made changes our family can see!

We are no longer blind and found ways to get free.

We woke up in Hell with mountains to climb.

We’ve conquered addictions one day at a time.

We’re still working to heal our fear and depression

By speaking our truth and supporting expression.

As our legacy changes it causes a shift

Our Hell once a burden transforms to a gift.

We now know our Family would never be healed

Without you in our lives because you revealed

That half the equation is loving and care.

So we constantly worked on ourselves to be there

And you showed us that half Is “the sins of the father”.

This woke us up more so we would still bother

You were born just in time in our unconscious Hell

Because if you weren’t we’d still be there as well.

i

 

 

Healing the Wound

Our original wound is created at birth

An inevitable part of coming to earth.

When our spirit exists on a much higher plane

Sending part ourselves as a soul causes pain

For the soul that is old is now helpless in need

Of saviors to care and be there, intercede.

There’s no way around it this wound must exist

To be grounded on earth our soul has to twist

And turn for an Ego to form in polarity

As our Id soon descends into sleep and disparity

The Ego continues it’s quest to create

A fantasy world to distract and sedate

But old souls set alarms to awake from their sleep

To rouse the unconscious with wounds that are deep

Because boiling beneath our Ego’s reality

Festering, unconscious rage, and brutality

Creates hell on earth that All of us share

But most are asleep and can’t feel it there.

So how do we heal this and help those who sleep?

Quit searching for saviors and comforts to keep

From feeling the truth of our rage, hurt, and shame.

This stops our projection as well as self blame.

Then starts the truth process of grieving to heal.

Id and Ego unite, back to souls that are real.

And because we’ve united our light and our dark

We will be able to find there’s a spark

Of Love In our heart that we’ve kept from our birth

To ignite, heal our wound, and in turn heal the earth.

 

Dissonance

Born into dissonance between feeling and thought

From the beginning they feel lost and distraught

Vulnerable children who fear loss of love

Their psyche then spilts to below and above.

Below go the feelings of abandonment fear

Above go the thoughts that comfort them here

Positive thoughts that create false reality

Is more easily handled than a mothers duality

No mother is perfect so this rift We must heal

But positive thoughts only hide and conceal

The abandonment fear a child can’t abide

Denial of the fear makes it grow deep and wide

So how do we heal this unconscious rift

Between Ego and Child have a consciousness shift

We must love and accept childish feelings grown wild

Provide a safe space for our hurt inner child

When no ones around let our child cry and scream

Until thoughts and feelings are not so extreme

Till unconscious dissonance at last is undone

As your AUTHENTIC SELF thoughts and feelings are

                                    ONE

 

The Resolution of Heaven and Hell

Where is this place that is called by us hell?

Is it deep in the darkness where Lucifer fell?

What if Hell is the Space where unconsciousness lies 

That in Time will awake us and open our eyes?

 

Lucifer’s myth represents what we’ve hidden

Cast down to unconsciousness feelings forbidden

Above us in heaven our God was Thought Good

If this myth becomes conscious can it be understood?

When time on Earth started souls came to evolve

Goodness and evil were meant to resolve

But dissonant feelings and thoughts caused polarity

To grow and increase in unconscious disparity

So now we must face our unconscious projection

Feelings forbidden cast in mirrored reflection

Creating Earth’s dreamworld with nightmares to wake us

Where all play both parts God and Devil to shake us

Until we wake up and can see through clear eyes

That evil’s just fear in a Devil’s disguise

We will also see fear in a God who’d condemn

His Angel he thought might rise above him

See heaven’s no better than hell they’re the same

They are both based in fear split in anger and shame

Until we can know this and reconcile fear

We’ll continue to live in polarity here

But when reconciled from below and above

The Heart resolves fear into Gravity’s Love ❤️

 

Beauty

What would be beauty if all were born blind

Would we be more open, accepting, and kind?

We couldn’t judge others because of their face

We wouldn’t see color or difference in race

Fat, thin, or old would all be just right

So what would be beauty without our eyesight?

We’d have to use insight connect with our heart

Spend time, get to know them, right from the start

Find out what they think and how do they feel

Give them a chance to make their soul real

All insight gained through the heart makes us whole

So we can know beauty that’s found in the soul

 

Eleanor

By the time that she came

I would come to adore

The old classic name

Of my sweet Eleanor

Both shining and bright

Her soul came to bear

And carry her light

To our family to share

Eleanor’s name

Was perfectly meant

El means the same

As an Angel was sent

Nurture

I spent my whole life hoping

To be nurtured by my mother

I spent my whole life coping

Substituting with another

Acceptance from a friend

Or authorities unknown

Or I would just pretend

I was fine left on my own

So friends that I’d attract

Would do their best to care

There was no giving back

With all our cupboards bare

Unconsciously behind it all

Yet many years ahead

I felt the truth behind my wall

And suddenly felt dead

It took more than a year for me

To know the reason why

Why so much rage and fear in me

Had made my friendships die

No friend on earth can substitute

The nurture of your mother

It cannot grow without a root

Be grafted from another

The time had come to let them go

Illusions fully grieved

How could they give or even know

What they had not received

I had to start anew within

By planting my love’s seed

With nurturing it grew within

Fulfilling my own need

So one day I’ll be ready

From deep roots I’ve grown tall

As fruits of love grow steady

I then can nurture all

 

Empath

My soul cries out “If I exist

I need the answer why

I chose this life and not resist

To live in pain then die”?

 

No life on earth is painless

No matter who you are

If gainful or if gainless

The pain is still on par

Yet some hurt more than others

Deep wells of sorrow feel

We feel pain in our brothers

That they deny is real

Empaths are a mirror

For seeing pain is true

Our showing pain makes clearer

Expression moves it through

With flow there’s no denying

So pain cannot persist

My soul will then stop crying

And know why I exist

 

Just Seventeen

I was just seventeen and looking at college

Finishing high school secure in the knowledge

That I’d find a way to stay on the right track

But from my unconscious a bomb blew me back

I was sick to my stomach blindsided by shame

I kept my mouth shut I could not face the blame

My dad would disown me no way could he cope

I’d be out in the street without any hope

With no parent to turn to and only one friend

I would make a decision I could not rescind

I made the appointment frozen in fear

How in the world did I find myself here?

With my friend there beside me I’d wait for the call

To come back and wait once again in the hall

Then when my turn came to lay down on the bed

I almost walked out but by something was led

To go on ahead and submit to this test

Was I really doing, for all, what was best?

“Yes” my mind heard but was more like a voice

“It’s right for both possible lives, the best choice.

“Remember that time I told you, they’re here”.

“Your Son and your daughter in spirit are near”.

“Watching and waiting for when destiny’s due”.

“At a time that is right for both them and for you”.

LIFE CHOICES

Conception Won

Conception is a “planned intent”

Can carry life force through

A conscious choice with planned consent

Makes welcome what is new

But sometimes life is really bad

We’re neither sure or steady

Planned intent cannot be had

There’s no time to get ready

Sometimes conception must be lost

We cannot give consent

No strength is had to pay the cost

Our reservoir is spent

But when it’s time life force will show

That it was never done

Just waiting for it’s time to flow

It’s time! conception won

      Conception Too

At any point intent can form

And choose conception too

Transmuting fear within the storm

Makes ready for the new

Though new life can be daunting too

That first was unexpected

Acceptance brings a wanting too

Of what was once rejected

So let’s support this choice as well

Support this new creation

And we must use our voice as well

Extend an invitation

For all to join and celebrate

These two lives born so brave

One loved the other into fate

By the choice intention gave

     Conception Three

Intent can also bind the three

Hearts willing to conspire

Together to create as we

With unified desire

Drawn through a vessel willing

To brave birth’s storm and bear

A child that is fulfilling

Another mother’s prayer

She’s ready and her heart’s content

In birthing for another

To bring life in they both consent

So both are called a mother

By birth and by the choice they make

A life has now been brought

Into a bond that cannot break

Because by three was wrought

Authenticity

What is authenticity?

It’s being how we feel

Expressing for the world to see

The good the bad the real

It means no more pretending

That everything is good

No “I am fine” defending

When we’re misunderstood

It means that we get mad

When tyranny has won

It means that we get sad

When we feel a harm is done

It means we keep our head up high

Far from the shifting sand

Another’s pain we can’t deny

We have to take a stand

We have to speak out how we feel

No matter who’s offended

Collective pain is ours to heal

By all must be transcended

If truth becomes our consciousness

We’ll give ourselves a gift

Encumbered not by dissonance

Our paradigm will shift!

Embracing my daughter

My daughter recently posted on Facebook, a meme that said something to the effect that, “My New Years resolution is to tell more people to fuck off!! “. In her introduction, she did include a great detailed list of potential people and potential situations that Fuck Off!! would be perfectly appropriate to say as a response if any of these scenarios ever came up in reality. Yet none of this added information kept me from being triggered by my own unconscious shame and anger that came up from reading the original meme.

Well, as some of you who know me can imagine, my first reaction to reading her post, for a moment, was “what will people think”?? After I let that energy flow through me it was, okay, “I don’t give a fuck what people think”! Between these two reactions is a part of me that needs to speak to embrace my daughter and myself for who we are trying to become. Our authentic selves.

In our collective society, for both men and women, especially southern ones, anger is a taboo emotion. We don’t like to see it, feel it, or express it, or have it mirrored back to us by others! We do mental gymnastics to rationalize that it’s not necessary to express anger, especially in public. We might look really bad, or we might piss somebody off, so we cover it up with many various defense mechanisms.

Most of us, especially my generation, want to appear to be cool, calm, and collected as much as we can.. We want to look happy, and put together, always putting our best foot forward. The problem with this is, if we repress and hide this anger, and in tandem the other side of this coin shame, behind a facade we are still going to act it out in many different ways, unconsciously.

We may become bitter, and use our passive aggressive anger to jab people with “funny” sarcasm, and blame them for being hurt, because they can’t take a joke. We may act it out in a Jekyll/Hyde scenario, like my father did, presenting a light and jovial face to one group of people and a very dark and ominous face to another group. We may stay silent for most or all of a lifetime and kill ourselves slowly or suddenly with disease or by “accident” or from a myriad of addictions. These diseases including addictions and “accidents” of any kind are in my experiential opinion, caused by internalized anger and shame that becomes, after a time of suppression , held unconscious in our mental, emotional, and physical bodies. If we don’t consciously become aware of our unconscious repressed feelings and express them to heal ourselves they are acted out as self destructive tendencies like the aforementioned, diseases, accidents and addictions.

That’s why I feel passionately, like my daughter does, about removing the taboo about expression of any and all emotions, especially anger. As a recovering “bless your heart” I want to be “nice” southern woman who’s struggled for years to try to be real, I am especially passionate about my recovery from unconsciously creating and living in a facade of proper manners and protocols that have been controlling us for centuries and kept us from living an authentic life in the flow.

So for many years now I have been focused on healing my spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical body by allowing all of my unconscious emotions to become conscious and expressing them in private to become more balanced so that the real, more authentic me could come out and be public. So that, in the moment, as much as possible, I can use anger appropriately as a boundary to protect my inner child. Yes, and in some situations, appropriately will mean to say in the moment “fuck off”!!! to an asshole who is being hurtful or abusive.

I allowed my daughter from the time she could speak to curse if she wanted or needed to, because even that long ago I wasn’t going to be a hypocrite and not allow my child this anger release that I was regularly allowing for myself. So she is the product of being a free expressor from her very beginning. This is part of the reason why to the majority of this world her expression of her authenticity might seem provocative, and extreme. If we as the older generation take on our part of anger expression in this world then maybe young people who are scapegoated by society for being way too angry, and God forbid, way too vocal, won’t have express so much for those of us who have disowned our anger and other emotions at our own, our children’s, and our collective’s expense.

We as individuals and as a society are now making some progress though, because we are being triggered by our personal and collective anger and shame to wake up these unconscious feelings so they can be consciously owned and expressed by us all!Look at the black lives matter movement, the #metoo movement, and the LGBT movement, we are all bringing our unconscious bipolar parts forward to be openly expressed and healed. So that one day we all will be personally and collectively unified and whole! SO BE IT!!!

Dreaming of my true home

When I dream of my home at night, I rarely dream of the place in the middle of a beautiful forest that I actually live in, in my waking life. I mostly dream of a small, cluttered, apartment that I sometimes share with one or more uninvited guests. I often dream of being lost in an unfamiliar dreamscape of dark and unnamed streets looking for my home. I think my dreams are trying to tell me something until now I was unable to hear. I have been interpreting dreams for many years but never questioned why I usually dream of such futile and lower realities. How did I create my third dimensional life of material wealth when I obviously feel so unworthy in my dreams? I want to dream of my true home.

Being the retired stay at home mom that I have chosen to be, whose husband plays the role of the maker of money with the important title, I must acknowledge and own what my dreams are telling me. I must own my part that obviously believes I am unworthy to have what I and my husband have manifested. In today’s society there is a collective reality which has gotten more and more prevalent since my upbringing in the 1950s and 60’s, unless you earn money and achieve something, collectively believed to be “important”, you as a person are not perceived as being of value. In our present reality we aren’t seen to have intrinsic value as a human being. Both men and women are expected to “be somebody” by doing something to earn fortune and or fame, or at least be married to it, to feel valued in society. It’s a paradigm we have all created as a world consciousness, thinking we are pushing ourselves forward for the betterment of society through the competition to achieve.  Yet, when the unconscious roots of the achievement paradigm are fear of failure, and loss, what you get are the branches of greed, narcissism, and obsession or the other side of the tree, false piety, self hatred, and apathy.

Because of this achievement/failure paradigm that we collectively agreed upon I think we all come into this world with this belief system as part of our collective unconscious. We all believe it on some level even if we are not overtly taught to believe it to be true. We are bombarded everyday with images of super achievers, that top one to two percent, who own the third dimensional world, because they have most of the money, are famous, or have done something we feel in awe of. We as a people not only accept this example of greed, and narcissism, but we celebrate, advocate it, and strive to be part of it. No wonder we all feel inadequate as human BEINGS! We as a collective have put these people on pedestals as our role models of what we should aspire to achieve, but the thing we don’t realize is that these “iconic” people we think are the most self actualized, are really only where they are because they were driven there by their massive amounts of unconscious fear of failure and unworthiness. If they were acting from a place of wholeness and intrinsic value they wouldn’t need to amass such fortunes, or find so much satisfaction in the spotlight, or need to spend large amounts of money on things they don’t have the time or the need to ever use.

Yes, we know and see that these idols and their worshipers all believe in and are acting out the achievement/failure paradigm, but what the rest of us don’t realize is that we believe it as well but we are “REACTING IT OUT” . We react against the achievement/failure paradigm but we are really just the flip side of the same coin, we see ourselves as either being above the need for accolades and the material rewards of achievement or are one of the people who have accepted the roles of the downtrodden or the ones who are the self inflicted failures of society.

When we are triggered by fear which is the common denominator of all feelings, we get an adrenaline rush, this causes three possible responses, fight, flight or freeze. People can respond to fear using mostly just one response but we certainly can mix it up depending on circumstances, but there are people with a certain set of hormones and personality traits that might be most likely to fight when triggered by fear. These are the achievers that use the fear adrenalin to try to create a safer world for themselves, with money and prestige etc. The people who have certain hormones and personality traits who in general might flee because of the fear are the ones who give up and drop out of the society because of failing to meet expectation. Then there are the frozen ones who are stuck in the middle they might move back and forth between the two extremes some but mostly use the defense mechanism of denial and rationalize that they don’t need to achieve because they are above wanting the fruits of achievement. If there are self actualized people out there you don’t hear about them because they are out in the world just creating their lives from a place of intrinsic worth and have worked through the above mentioned dramas.

So how do we change this paradigm we collectively created. The first step is to individually acknowledge and bring into conscious awareness the unconscious feelings of fear, shame and it’s counter feeling anger of feeling unworthy instead of unconsciously acting out the super achiever or “reacting out” the rebellious denier or underachiever roles. If we own and acknowledge, then next we will choose to transmute the lower astral levels of fear, shame and anger  by connecting to our higher selves, by intention or meditation, and opening up our emotional bodies to feel deeply, express in private, and release these energies into balance. When we do this we create a space for higher vibrational energies in our physical bodies. When our daily lives and dreams are clear of the feelings of unworthiness, and fear, we will be able to become an open conduit for higher energies and awareness to come through and merge with our physical world. When enough of us hold this higher vibrational awareness in our fields of perception then all of our awarenesses will shift to higher dimensions and a new paradigm of unconditional love, and intrinsic value will be experienced by all. We will become the NEW EARTH as was foretold by many spiritual traditions. In this higher dimensional reality we will know we are worthy. When our new paradigm is deeply and consciously rooted in our intrinsic worth we will bear branches of cooperation, compassion, and creativity. In our lucidity we will realize we are in our true home once again! We have recreated paradise and are living in the Garden eating freely the fruits of unconditional love from the Tree of Life in the most beautiful forest you can imagine.

Trump

HOW did it happen,

why did Trump get elected ?

Why was the most

qualified woman rejected?

I thought we were

farther along with Obama

That both men and women

were healing our drama

But unconscious shame

was hiding our rage

We weren’t healed enough

to turn history’s page

The black man and woman

had brought the truth out!

Misogyny, racism unleashed

without doubt!

All of this darkness

now had to be felt

No more denying

the cards that were dealt

All black lives matter!!

and Hell yes, Me Too!!

We had to wake up

and feel ALL that is true!!

Or old hidden wounds

would threaten us still

If left in the dark

to unconsciously kill.

So when Trump is gone

And our atonement is through

Then I will be grateful

We were forced to face truth.

Judgement

Judgement of others is just a projection

Of judging ourselves, and unconscious rejection

Of feelings of shame that mirrors revealed

Reflecting desires unconsciously sealed

What makes us reject these feelings we hide

We want to look good and feel righteous inside

So we have to project our shame on another

To feel self assured it’s our sister and brother

Who chose the wrong path, from our path went astray

If only they’d listen to us as we pray

But journeys like this don’t follow a plan

We’ve gone now full circle back where we began

But this time we see who we judged was not wrong

They just took a route that appeared hard and long

But here at the finish they’re right here beside us

They were our reflection just wanting to guide us

To heal hidden shame not to judge and condemn

For they all are us and we all are them!

Humanity’s Suffering

Humanity’s suffering is too hard to bear

We build walls around it to not see it there.

Unconsciousness shifts from one side to the other

Unconscious or not we feel for our brother

And feel him we must to open our heart

But then go within and take on our part

Of suffering’s pain that’s trying to guide us

To unconscious walls built with shame that divide us.

When we own OUR pain it becomes not the other

But oneness within, we are our OWN brother

As pain breaks down walls of our shame we will know

OUR pain was but Love that was crying to flow

I need a SIGN!!

I have been through the emotional ringer for the past couple of days because my daughter, who I love so deeply, is going through a very challenging time in her life. Tonight I feel like I did at age 16 when I gave up believing in God.  I feel alone, so numb I can’t even cry. The only feeling I’m sure of is the anger I feel because my daughter is going through pain and suffering and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve spent almost every waking moment in the last 28 years trying to heal from my abusive past, raising her in a more loving and balanced way, while constantly pursuing a connection with spirit for guidance. Tonight the only thing I am connected to is some old forgotten rage and abandonment that I felt as a teenager which caused me to quit believing in God.

Born into fundamentalist Christianity, I became an atheist at the young age of 16. One of the main reasons I abandoned religion and the fundamentalist god was the depiction of god I was taught never made sense to me. The basic story that was told as literal truth was that god is this perfect spirit who created a beautiful garden on Earth for his human creations, Adam and Eve. He created these beings basically to keep him company, and the only thing they had to do was to just leave one particular fruit off the menu.  Unfortunately though, Eve was tricked by a snake into eating the fruit from the forbidden tree of Knowledge.   She in turn enticed Adam to do the same and because they failed the test, they were kicked out of the garden and had to then live in a hellish place outside of the gate. Then if that weren’t bad enough if they didn’t come to their senses and repent of their original sin before they died, and worship this perfect god then they would have to go to an even worse hell when they died because they rejected and hurt the feelings of their ” loving heavenly father”.   Of course we all know there was no heavenly mother because if there had been, then this male driven ego drama would never have been written. This kind of god or creation scenario made no sense to me on any level.   I, as a 16 year old child, was a far better parental figure, and was far more loving, and compassionate than this so called god.  Because I felt in my heart that no matter what my future children might possibly do, and that would include rejecting or even hating me, I would not even create the possibility of a hell much less send my child there no matter what they did or didn’t do.

So the fundamentalist god was definitely not my idea of a being I could believe in. So until I was 27 I just had no belief in any kind of god because my only exposure to the god concept was my fundamentalist up bringing. I was so angry at my parents choice to force me into their religion I chose to be an “atheist” until my life was turned upside down when I was 27.  

This was when I was introduced to another possibility of God, one of my own understanding. I started going to Alanon meetings because I had 2 people in my family who had gone through treatment and were recovering addicts and I was a severe codependent who almost enabled one of them to death. So, I recognized and acknowledged my personal pathology, worked the program, and opened up to the possibility of a higher power for the sake of my husband, my 7 month old baby at the time and my daughter who had not been born yet. I spent the next 6 years trying to come to believe in a power greater than myself,  and eventually began working the program for myself as well.  

In 1991 at age 33 I finally had a spiritual awakening. Through many synchronicities I found my own personal higher power who I would call the “Universe”. God the Universe includes every atom that I and all other beings are made of as well as all inanimant atoms. I could believe that every atom in the universe is pure love solidified into different forms.  It made sense to me that this energy could act as yin or yang, good or bad, male or female, whatever would be necessary for spirit to experience everything physical. This knowing revealed to me the purpose of the dual nature of the 3rd dimensional Earth, opposites attract and hold together in this wonderful creation. This concept of the Universe as God, was my holy grail, there was no judgement, no worshipping needed, no hell except the one we create here on earth because we forget at times how to navigate well in duality.  This God force energy uses synchronistic signs and symbolic metaphors to guide us along our path back to oneness.  This is the God that resonated with my heart all those years ago but that eludes me tonight as I search for signs to show me the way forward.

I have followed my spiritual path forward and sometimes backwards for many years now.  I have chosen with others who are called, to resolve the duality in the third dimension by using kundalini energy to transmute emotional and mental energies into wholeness.  It has been rough at times because like tonight I have struggled with why, after all the emotional processing, and all the different ways I have tried to improve how I navigate this third dimension, I am still knocked in the head by circumstances that feel like I have gone back to square one.  In these dark nights of the soul I tell the Universe I am done trying to change myself and evolve, I am sick of feeling like a failure. In my rage I give up and tell spirit I’m done until you show yourself to me. I must have SIGNS that you exist tonight I can’t handle continuing to struggle without hope. I decide to write these words tonight to describe the grief I’ve been purging for two days, and remind myself of all the highs and lows of this long road that has brought me to this place.

As I’m writing the words you just finished reading, my daughter whose personal struggles triggered this catharsis, texted me a picture of a ladybug, that even in the dead of winter, inside a car, had found a warm resting place on her arm, asking the question ” Do you think this is a SIGN things are going to get better”? Well time will tell if her most recent personal struggles are over, but for me this was definitely a Sign I was asking for. A ladybug represents a wish fulfilled, a new beginning, so I will take this as a SIGN and recognize the SIGN I wasn’t aware of until this now moment.  My painful circumstances that drove me back to my atheism and dredged up rage and abandonment issues was a SIGN that there was still something I needed to heal that I thought was no longer affecting me. I must look at it, feel it, transmute it, until I am clear of the stuck energy and can see from a higher perspective that what looks like a hopeless situation is just a SIGN pointing me in the direction of an area in my soul calling for healing, and unconditional love, and acceptance.  Thank God for SIGNS!!