Forgetting and losing things, made me feel really dumb. Defending and proving things, made me feel really numb.

The shame that I felt being AuDHD, that I numbed and suppressed for years to not see, has come up again for more layers of releasing. I dreamed my graduation would not be proceeding.

It’s the hardest to stay with, to feel unconscious shame. There’s no other feeling that hits you the same. It hurts like a gut punch to feel so exposed. You can’t answer back or defend against blows.

But after this dream still feeling this shame I woke up and felt it along with my blame. Then after I cried like a little lost child. Then I could remember what I couldn’t find.

I graduated early, 6 months in advance. I had the second best grades in my class. I then, first was a nurse, then, finally a mother. My ultimate goal ahead of all others.

To raise my own children in a whole different way. To love and protect them and make them feel safe. I spent 24 years devoted to this. And healing myself from all that I missed.

Still we’re all on the spectrum or ADHD. Finding strength being different supports getting free, from the shame I forgot, I thought lost, left behind, when all is released, I’ll remember, and find.

Why keep dreaming the impossible dream? All I see playing out are chaotic extremes. Wars are exploding all over the world. Hysterical rage, through bombs being hurled.

Sometimes I want to abandon my quest. Stop believing in change when this world is a mess. But no matter how much I want to let go, my grief takes me down to depths of my soul

And I find in my heart that this dream will come true. I must stay on this quest to see my part through. Because no matter how greedy the world is today there will be a future where War does not pay.

Where intrinsic rights are treated as truth. Where Liberty and justice for all is the proof. So, for as long as I live I’ll have to keep dreaming, keep trying to reach for stars, guidance gleaming.

For even a quest by one person alone, striving through darkness they may not overcome, creates a marked path to this most righteous quest. This is how impossible dreams manifest.

When I was a child I felt unprotected. My parents were bonded while I felt rejected. I never felt part of a family of five. But when parents abuse you, you find ways to survive.

I tried to stay hidden as much as I could. Out of my house, behind doors, sneaking food. I didn’t have choices, I couldn’t be me. I dreamed of the day I’d grow up and be free.

Then I became older, about age 15. I wore a thick coat everyday faithfully. Felt I must cover up, no matter the weather. For unconscious reasons it made me feel better.

I was attractive and skinny, in fact. But I never felt this, I always felt fat. As I kept getting older, men started to notice. I got cat calls, long looks, with lascivious focus.

So again began hiding to keep myself safe. Retreated to limerence, in delusional ways. I played hard to get, became my false self. Played push me pull you, til I finally got left.

Until one man got me and I got him too. He asked me to marry, so we carried through. Then after our baby I gained a few pounds. After the next one more weight held me down.

So I went up and down with this burden I carried. My husband wanted the wife that he married. But she didn’t exist, so it had to be said, “If you don’t love me now you must find someone else.”

I grieved deeply to say this, thought I’d found self esteem. With new found self acceptance, my ultimate dream. But now writing a poem about being authentic, I realized what caused my weight gain to begin with.

From the beginning I had no protection. The beatings, berating, my family’s rejection. I had to find refuge to hide from all that. Behind doors, thick coats, or deep layers of fat.

So, now I must grieve what I didn’t receive. protection, connection, or caring relief. As my inner child tried to comfort my pain. She’d been trying for years to keep us both safe.

So, I had a big cry for my hurt inner child. That from our beginning was shamed and exiled. I looked in the mirror, said, “I love you so much.” She said, “Until you feel safe, I’ll still cover you up.”

Positive affirmations, and gratitude lists, deep meditations that seek to find bliss; these long practiced techniques are a spiritual bypass. and like drugs keeps you seeking relief once you’ve tried this. It widens the breach between shadow and light. Which must be integrated to balance insight.

The road that I’ve chosen to find inner peace is to go deep within, find my losses and grieve. All hurts, held unconscious, stem from a loss: of love, rights, and safety, these and more are the cause. The unconscious holds wounds that try to reveal, by repeating our hurts, so that we can be healed.

Any practiced techniques that we learn to do, might ease our pain but it won’t heal the wound. Techniques must be done for the rest of our lives. As the wound slowly festers and grows in denial. We have to heal wounds by grieving through truth. That we’re angry and hurt and feel shameful too.

Bring the unconscious conscious and express in some way. Punching bags release anger, crying out, hurt and shame, until we accept and forgive the betrayal, by friends, family, and lovers, relationship failures. That doesn’t mean you must leave or must stay. It means you can finally let go, a new way.

You’ll start being authentic and have boundaries to say, if you want to travel with me, there’s a way. By healing yourself just like I am doing. If you’re willing, we’ll start, together pursuing, integration of shadow and light, til we find this. On our road less traveled, with no spiritual bypasses.

I always attracted unavailable men. Unavailable in so many ways. The more they would distance the more I felt “love”. Til my longing turned into dismay.

I knew on some level that this wasn’t right, to yearn for what I can’t have. But I’d get that familiar adrenaline rush to long for what I never had.

It started with longing for love from my parents with no idea what real love really was. This caused my addiction that’s called limerence which equates constant longing with love.

So I’ve spent lots of time grieving this fact, letting go of all my past fiction. I feel I have healed, love is real, in my life. I’m in recovery from limerence addiction.

So what is true love when you get past addiction to longing for something unreal? Well, love then becomes caring connection, close enough to help each other heal.

There will always be difference between sovereign people, who have their own sovereign path. But, if your paths are aligned, and stay close together, you can heal in the present, your past.

Then keep moving together into the future, because your connection stays strong. Through this true love connection you’ll feel comfort and care, and know this is where you belong.

For 43 years, we’ve grown stronger in marriage. My husband and I, together, have carried our hardships in life, great changes as well. For better, for worse, through heaven, and hell.

Our first biggest test and fearful transition was being confronted with our biggest addictions. He had one drug of choice, my drug, no relent, I was going to fix him, on this was hell-bent.

I became a detective, the best one in town. If he disappeared using, most times he was found. I had a sixth sense I just knew where to go. I was a psychic detective with my own secret show.

We were lucky my sickness to fix didn’t kill him. It was eluding my eye in the sky that revealed him. So he finally got caught, so his life wasn’t lost. But his hard earned career might be a big cost.

Unless he chose treatment, to treat his addiction. So, I took him to save him, from his toxic affliction. And guess what they said! I was sicker than him! I walked out of the office and thought, screw all of them! Well it took me some time and some panic attacks to seek help to find why I had done toxic acts.

Love from my parents was at best intermittent. This left me longing for love, codependent. I spent many years attracting rejection. So was trained as a fixer who had to take action.

So, through a decade of therapy and repeated 12 steps. Doing parallel healing braving unconscious depths. We healed what was toxic and moved forward, beyond. We were recovering addicts, freed from trauma bonds.

And without all of this we would still be as sick, an unhealed codependent, and an addict, unfixed. And we’d never know, what I once called our affliction, would turn out to be our great gift of Addiction.

I get rare validation from family and friends. And self validation is only pretend. So how do I heal this unmeetable need? How do I let go and set myself free?

The same way I let go of so many things. I have to go inward and let myself grieve. That nothing I have creatively done, has been seen as something to value, not one.

I’ve created for others, thought my poems would be, a way to help people to feel differently. But the truth of the matter is few will agree. And maybe don’t like my poems or me.

When I wrote this one here, about validation. I blamed the world for my bitter frustration. I forgot what to do to accept what is true, what others think, I must grieve it through.

If I do the work and value myself, I won’t need validation from anyone else. Acceptance is the last stage of grief. And when I get there, I have set myself free.

After tariffing Allies with bullying tactics. Checking off countries to attack or to annex.

Threatening Allies that don’t yield to abuse. Went to war without warning, Netanyahu, his muse.

Then bungles the war and starts spiraling down. Calls Europe to save him by bailing him out.

Comparing Iran to the War in Ukraine, says he helping save Europe. So for him, do the same.

But the war in Ukraine is purely defense from war monger Putin who began the offense.

Iran was attacked to be a distraction by the Axis of Epstein to postpone legal actions.

So guess what they said, a big fat, Hell no! You did this without us, so you’re on your own!

So now Trump is sulking “I knew it was true NATO betrays us when we won World War 2.”

But the truth Trump is missing that he cannot see, you can’t bully the world, then demand what you need.

But I bet he begged Putin for help on the phone. But he’s already paid for, America alone.

I spent twenty years being all ears, for a friend who over expressed. Said, for years, that she knows, I don’t like to expose. So, to save me she over confessed.

She’d usually speak for two hours at least. I hoped she felt heard, unrestrained. So I let her keep talking, if I spoke, she’d start walking, interrupt, and start talking again.

Even after two break downs, we were still out of bounds. So, the last one broke through total blindness. My whole body was burning, my stomach was churning, but, I wanted to leave this with kindness.

So, we soon parted ways, eight years til this day. I had to move on to be healed. And now know without doubt that to stay and speak out would not change hidden truths now revealed.

Her young voice was repressed so she over expressed. Was Conservative way more than I knew. I truly was passive so our chasm was massive. And I’m liberal with very strong views.

We were too far apart to bridge from the start, blind to unconscious, concealing. We thought we would balance, eventually handle this difference together, find healing.

But we spent twenty years, me being all ears, with deep needs, we could no longer fathom. So we had to step back, find perspective we lacked, to see our unbridgeable chasms.

I’ve heard many say, when they see those in need, they’re more grateful for what they have got.

I cannot feel grateful for my good lot in life when their bad lots have made them, have nots.

The lots that are cast by hierarchical systems makes gratitude, soft golden fetters.

Tied to their gratitude copium pipe, to make our own bondage feel better.

It keeps us complacent so we don’t demand, health care, shelter and food.

For all human beings living on earth, we must have all these needs understood.

Know that we all deserve the means to survive. Innate worth can’t be measured, or proved.

When the needful get justice, and can’t be gratefully used, we’ll have cause to have real gratitude.

No wonder the Trumps, dumped the name Drumpf, it means bent, misshapen, made crooked.

Still Trump cannot hide that he’s still a Drumpf, he’s hell bent, misshaped and stayed crooked.

Trump who’s misshapen by bumps, lumps, and humps, is hell bent to stay crooked with crime.

It’s true that History doesn’t repeat, But Trump proves that History does rhyme.

Drumpf Name Meaning

nickname for a large man, from Middle High German rumph, rump ‘trunk, body’, or for someone who was bent or misshapen, from Middle High German rumph ‘bent, crooked’.

Being called phobic, needing social exposure makes introverts build up a mask.

Being shamed to be social, that takes days to get over, builds resentment for just being asked.

Many block out the shame with things that numb pain. Could be alcohol, drugs, even food.

But the results are the same the next day it remains, no one sees the self hate you’ve accrued.

I’ve felt shame and self hate for my own introversion. Acting social, I felt like a fraud.

I lived most of my life giving in to coercion. Went along, built a mask, a facade.

So after years of untangling and releasing self hate, I’m reclaiming my inherent truth.

Introversion’s genetic, intrinsic, innate. And using shame to deny this, abuse.

Condemning mass killing isn’t Anti-Semitic. To accuse what’s untrue, to stop truth, is pathetic.

As they desperately hide, by censoring truth, the mass killing once done to them, they now do.

Their days first responding to Hamas’s attacks have long moved from protection to criminal acts.

So why now, you may ask, have they taken this stand? To use Hamas as a ruse to take Gaza’s land.

As Holocaust descendants who have had families die, call it Anti-Semitic to expose Genocide?

Short term pain for long term gain. These MAGA fools are all insane. If Biden did what Trump has done they’d march and burn down Washington.

But, now don’t care about gas prices, the price of eggs, War sacrifices. They’re in to win if War takes years. They’re macho men! They have no fear!

On YouTube beat their faces blue, with their own fists, bizarre but true. They want a War, and nothing less. Will beat their mortal foes, themselves.

Bring about their Armageddon, the War they think for sure they’re winning. Take Trump and Netanyahu too. To get the karma they are due.

Til not one fascist fool remains. Their short term pain, our long term gain.

Which Fascist lie is it? Pick one and stick with it. Regime change? Freed women? Nuclear fission?

We know all are lies to hide corrupt actions. Netanyahu and Trump need big bang distractions.

To stay out of prison and make dreams come true. A failed state in Iran and Trump’s guise for his coup.

For 47 years Netanyahu demanded invading, destroying, Iran to disband it.

To become a failed state, split into factions. All fighting each other for each others fractions.

So, now is his chance. He’s got Trump in his pocket. Using Epstein’s, blackmail list, to supply US rockets.

Bring down Armageddon for their cults jubilation. Until they learn quickly the true Revelation.

That these two evil Beasts are both Anti-Christs. Leading their cults to their unconscious demise.

Trump’s circular firing squad has now been expanded. Multiple countries, destruction demanded. Bombs are exchanged killing innocent people. Committed by fascists fueled by their evil.

Fascistic Muslims, Christians, and Jews have been fighting for years trying to prove that their God and religion is the one that is right. Use ancient texts justifying their fight.

This created these leaders who are all psychopaths. Now locked in an unconscious suicide pact. They’ve chosen their path to their war monger Gods by creating their circular firing squad.

But a hopeful good outcome, for our World’s tribulation. Their unconscious demise, wakes conscious liberation.

There’s no way on Earth AI becomes conscious. Sentient beings have instincts they’ve processed, through real life experience that they then contemplated. This cannot be copied, installed, integrated, into the robotics of metal and wire. Consciousness needs more than electrical fire.

It’s needs air, water, and plasma and a body conduit. A clear brain and nerve matrix so life force can move through it. To unite with the One quantum field that’s unseen. This cannot happen within a machine.

So if we stop praying to AI golden calves. And start looking within at our unconscious half. And bring it to conscious and full integration. We’ll stop praying for answers from AI automation. We will find our right answers where they’ve always been. We are One quantum field all connected within.

AI LLM’s have come to the end of the road to expansion as creators pretend that this is not true, “We will get AGI !” They just need endless money and infinite time.

It’s become a religion. With fervent believers. With Oligarch Preachers, turned outright deceivers. They know that their lies are what keeps people tithing. They’ve known for a while LLMs can’t keep thriving.

Their stock bubble has stretched beyond more extension. So when it does pop it destroys their religion. Stock markets will crash, and won’t quickly rebound. Taking all of the Oligarchs spiraling down to where they belong, doing time in a prison for the biggest damn Ponzi crime ever committed.

If Elon’s a genius, then he should know well that living on Mars is like living in hell.

You would have to wear space suits, and live underground without a magnetosphere to keep bodies sound.

The soil there is poison so plant’s can’t survive. One late supply ship and all would soon die.

All water is frozen and is all at the poles. The warmest nights get are -70 below.

Carbon dioxide is most of the air. With one leak in your space suit and you’re no longer there.

So what’s his attraction to this hellish landscape? An unconscious death wish? Or a con man’s grift bait?

If it didn’t cost tax payers hundreds of billions, I’d say, “Yes, Elon’s dreams, we for sure should fulfill them.”

Let him be the first to leave Earth far behind. It would be quantum leaps better, here on Earth, for Mankind.

I’m AuDHD, INFP, I now embrace my labels. Bipolar 2, an empath too, this makes me very able, to see all sides, see through most lies, and feel the honest truth. My intuition gives me a vision of what I need to do.

Expressing labels makes others able to feel they’re not alone. Destigmatizes to realize that we aren’t on our own. There’s nothing wrong, we all belong as parts of the collective. We all are needed, we came here seeded to fulfill our soul’s objectives.

Mine is to deal with what is real. Reveal what has suppressed us. Our shame suppressed, grieved, then expressed becomes true self acceptance.

Before each New Age a Trickster appears to stir up mass chaos, uncover our fear. We have to see truth that was hidden beneath our facade of collective Ego deceit.

We thought we were great, that we couldn’t fall. That Liberty and Justice was true for us all. But now we are forced to awaken to truth. That for scapegoats, once hidden, this never was true.

Then scapegoats came forward, demanding their freedom, sought justice to live in a world that must see them. Then the Right, touting liberty and justice for all, said that’s just for us, so we must keep installed, a like minded Trickster to keep us in place. He’ll move all the scapegoats out of our space.

But now that the scapegoats are again being hidden, their Trickster moves on to unleash the unbidden. Creating mass chaos at home and abroad. Crashing relations and our country’s facade. He did expose, though, the Deep State Cabal. That he’s head molester of children Et al.

This all had to happen facades must be broken to let the light in so the truth can be spoken. And seen without doubt what we have to do. Free the oppressed to live lives in truth. Make human rights into laws for true justice. Keep power in check so the world again trusts us. Build new system foundations with a with the most potent mixture of truth, freedom, and justice that stands firm against Tricksters.

This is the reason that I chose to step back, quit wasting my time on deniers of facts.

I got the message, in my soul I could sense there was no speaking truth that would break their defense.

So I left them on course, spiraling down. They had chosen their path, where their fate was now bound.

So now I must focus on healing my system. Calming my nerves to improve my own vision.

Get my strength back from my truth telling quest. I’ve done all I can to speak up, and must rest.

Let all chips remaining, fall where they may. Finish my unfinished work for this stay.

To become a conduit for my time left on Earth. Welcome higher dimensions to help Gaia’s rebirth.

So the ones that I left spiraling down can receive enough love on this Earth to rebound.

For in higher dimensions, true love can break through toxic defenses so all will know truth.

Are Billionaires living their American Dream? Yes, and sell their delusion with Capitalist schemes.

Keep the Wannabe rich believing it’s real, that they too, could one day, do the art of the steal.

Make themselves rich, buy mansions and planes. With money to burn, they can even buy fame.

As they dream and they wait in the billionaire’s line. They never move forward but they will in good time.

As Billionaires sell them “Just keep working hard!” It’s those black and brown people using race cards

That keep cutting in front in the billionaire’s line. They’re holding you back.“That’s why you’re behind.

And those feminist women and LGBTQ keep moving ahead not letting you through.

Don’t vote for the party that cares about them. We only need pronouns of he, his, and him.

So the racist, misogynist, white homophobes, Are like “Hell fucking yes, let me find my white robes!”

And the Billionaires cheer! “Those fools took the bait!” “So we can continue to steal while they hate.”

But no matter what, they won’t make it through. There’s no billionaire’s line, just a long line of fools.

But these fools keep on sleeping, they would rather, it seems, to keep playing the fools in the Billionaire’s dreams!

Racists defend America’s slavery saying “black people were also enslavers.”

Like the black people who did this should take all the blame not our founders that exploited slave labor.

They want to compare what a few black men did to founding a pro slavery nation.

The founders had choices on what they would build and chose slavery to build our foundation.

Who cares if black men were slavers as well? When our founders are hypocrites too.

Our founders were liars right from the start when they enslaved those who could never pursue

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Their impossible American dream.

Our founders are liable for our nations depravity as they chose to sow what we now reap.

There have always been black men who betrayed their own people. We have many to this very day.

Clarence Thomas and all of the MAGA black people who bow down to white power displays.

So yes some black people do terrible things to hurt and oppress their own people.

But that doesn’t compare to what our founders once did. When they chose chattel slavery’s evil.

Our founding fathers did not support true freedoms of Democracy. Ten of twelve, enslaved black people, committing cruel atrocities.

All were men, all were white, all Protestant land owners. Self evident, intrinsic rights, they never meant for others.

They said they hoped that slavery, down the line, would finally end. But after 89 long years, we no longer could pretend.

Slavery had become a right, white slavers had decreed. There was no way to make it stop, have amendments set them free.

It took a huge division, huge decisions, at our core. A secession with aggression that became the Civil War.

Six hundred twenty thousand lives were lost in sacrifice. This lowest estimation is what it cost us in this fight.

And still the only reason we got slavery abolished. Was keeping out the slave states until they would acknowledge

The congressional amendments passed, that set black people free. The rebels weren’t admitted back until they would agree.

But Lincoln had been murdered and Johnson would appease. He let the rebels back too soon, ignored atrocities.

They watered down protections the amendments guaranteed. Once more it was impossible for black people to be free.

In just 12 years past slavery’s end the south again would rise. Made Jim Crowe laws, to separate black people with their lies.

The white Supremacist Court had ruled they were “Separate but Equal.” It then took 88 more years to stop Jim Crowe law’s evil!

For this it took great struggle to get back their human rights. Marching years with Dr King who sacrificed his life!

Now sixty years with Jim Crowe dead our racist system thrives. Again it’s only white men, allowed intrinsic rights!

The equal rights they fought for, thought were part of precedent. Are now struck down, and then were ruled they never did exist.

So now that racists once again, just like our founding fathers, have taken us straight back in time. We need a new way proffered.

Codify all rights as laws beyond the reach of courts. They’ve proved that they’re not competent to move our country forward.

Then we’ll never have to march again for what Founders first denied. The assertion of intrinsic rights, endowed at birth, for life.

Ona Judge Staines, what a symbolic name for the woman who once was enslaved

By Martha and George, we were taught to adore as truthful, honest, and brave.

Because Washington’s claim to historical fame is “I Cannot tell a lie.”

We thought he would be what a Great man should be, and the truth he would never deny.

But he made it illegal, for black enslaved people, who escaped, to be helped to find freedom.

While professing that he wanted “slaves” to be free, but the truth was til death he would keep them.

When the Capitol moved to Pennsylvania he proved he would lie to stay a “slave” owner.

For here “slaves”, you see, in six months would be free, and that would include their “slave” Ona.

So he moved them around, back and fourth, to the south from the law that would set his slaves free.

But Ona Judge knew what her captor was doing so she decided that she’d have to flee.

When finally free, he tried twice to retrieve her. Hired kidnappers to take Ona back.

He kept this a secret and history would keep it to hide the real truth and the facts.

But his lying a scheming didn’t stop Ona’s dreaming she fled once again to New Hampshire.

She got married, had children, her dreams were fulfilled here and for her whole life wasn’t captured.

Washington’s hypocrisy with his lies and atrocities, our history should now be revised.

To show Ona Judge Staines should have Washington’s fame. She couldn’t tell or live Washington’s lies.

Sam Alito, fascist hero, of the MAGA Christians. Freedom to discriminate is his freedom of religion.

His religion and his mind are full of vile and twisted hate. Thinks homophobic jurors should decide gay people’s fate.

His reasoning for thinking this is unjust beyond compare, Thinks jurors they exclude for bias, is really what’s unfair.

Are you fucking kidding me, to exclude these homophobes infringes on religious rights to judge those that they loathe?

Because their hate excludes them from fair participation. he says they are the victims of religious discrimination.

So now they’ll take the fascist way and rescind all of our rights. Our Pursuit of happiness, liberty and life.

They’d rather hide us all in prison so they never have to see, protests against religious hate and blind hypocrisies.

But someday in our future we will codify as law all our human rights they took, then a brand new day will dawn.

Religion goes as spirit grows into a massive movement of freedom and equality “We The People” will approve it.

No more discrimination cloaked in freedom of religion. Alito, he will be long gone with his hateful MAGA Christians.

Brett Kavanaugh has broken laws that call for prison time. Assaulted women, then played the victim of false reporting crimes.

While committing urgent perjury, right in his jury’s faces, his face contorts as they retort “your alibis are baseless.”

Gets mad to prove he’s badly bruised when his integrity is questioned. Each time that he extremely screamed was really a confession.

Brett Kavanaugh still beat them all in a very close decision. Like the fascists who passed him through, he too should be in prison.

Amy Coney Barrett, should I dare it, say the truth? She’s a fascist without merit a conspirator they used

To take Gore’s rightful win away by not finishing the score. So instead we got Bush criminals when we should have had Al Gore.

What if Gore had not made wars with countries who weren’t threats? Gone after true bad actors, and got rid of them instead.

We’ll never know what should have been, but know we’ve been betrayed. By evil fascists playing God creating our ill fate.

I hope for this that Amy gets her Karma for decisions, For her facade at playing God, she at least should go to prison.