Forgetting and losing, made me feel really dumb. Defending and proving, made me feel really numb.

The shame that I felt being AuDHD, that I numbed and suppressed for years to not see, has come up again for more layers releasing. I dreamed my graduation would not be proceeding.

It’s the hardest to stay with, to feel unconscious shame. There’s no other feeling that hits you the same. It hurts like a gut punch to feel so exposed. You can’t answer back or defend against blows.

But after this dream, still feeling this shame, I woke up, stayed in it along with my blame. Then after I cried like a little lost child. I could remember, the truth I could find.

I graduated early, 6 months in advance. I had the second best grades in my class. I then was a nurse, then, finally a mother. My ultimate goal ahead of all others.

To raise my own children in a whole different way. To love and protect them and help them feel safe. I spent 24 years devoted to this. And healing myself from all that I missed.

Still we’re all on the spectrum or ADHD. Finding strength being different supports getting free, from the shame I forgot, that left truth, far behind, when releasing is done I’ll remember, and find.