When I was a child I felt unprotected. My parents were bonded while I felt rejected. I never felt part of a family of three. When they would get angry, they scapegoated me.

I tried to stay hidden as much as I could. Out of my house, behind doors, sneaking food. I didn’t have choices, I couldn’t be me. I dreamed of the day I’d grow up and be free.

Then I became older, about age 15. I wore a thick coat everyday faithfully. Felt I must cover up no matter the weather. For unconscious reasons it made me feel better.

I was attractive and skinny, in fact. But I never felt this, I always felt fat. As I kept getting older, men started to notice. I got cat calls, long looks, with lascivious focus.

So again began hiding to keep myself safe. Retreated to limerence delusional ways. I played cat and mouse without hesitation. Played push me pull you on many occasions.

Until one man had me and I had him too. He asked me to marry, so we carried through. Then after our baby I gained a few pounds. After the next one more weight stuck around.

So I went up and down with this burden I carried. My husband wanted the wife that he married. But she didn’t exist anymore, so I said. If you don’t love me now you must find someone else.

I grieved deeply to say this, thought I’d found self esteem. With new found self acceptance, my ultimate dream. But now writing a poem about being authentic, I realized what caused my weight gain to begin with.

From the beginning I had no protection. The beatings, berating, my family’s rejection. I had to find refuge to hide from all that. Behind doors, thick coats, or deep layers of fat.

So, now I must grieve what I didn’t receive. protection, connection, or any relief. As my inner child tried to comfort my pain. She’d been trying for years to keep us both safe.

So, I had a big cry for my hurt inner child. That from our beginning was shamed and exiled. I looked in the mirror and said, you are loved. She said, until you feel safe, I’ll still cover you up.